Maybe I think too much, or maybe I know too much. Or maybe I just think more of myself than others. I’m really not sure. All I know is I have this drive in me that never seems to develop. I push myself, but I never seem pleased with the results. I always feel so average. When I compare myself to others who have accomplished less I gain mixed feelings. I want to feel better and say “you have achieved great things, keep pushing!” but it never really comes out that way. Instead I find myself moving towards goals that I am uncertain I will ever put into motion. I want to be happy, fulfilled, and remembered for the great things I accomplished while here. But I am afraid I have hurt just as many people as I have helped along the way and I am unsure of how to ever receive forgiveness for what I have done.
I am mean, rude, and blunt. I believe that honesty is important, but I find I have difficulty expressing my opinion without a negative tone. As if what I have to say and think is so much more superior to anyone else’s. It is unfair for me to treat people this way. But I am unsure of how to express my voice and concern without belittling the person I am talking to. Some would just say, “well stop being an asshole.” But its not always as simple as that. Sure sometimes I can say okay, I will be on my best behavior. And I will be. I will bite my tongue, not speak out of turn, or even use a cordial tone but somehow other parties still will find a way to interpret it as rudeness. I am very confused.
I am discovering that although I may learn to change the way I respond and react in situations, for the better, everyone else will not always follow lead. We are unique individuals, but I still want to push myself to be a better person. A better version of myself. And I need people in my life that are just as determined as me. To find that there are still people in my life, or rather people I allow in my life, that do not share these same aspirations in life – is very troublesome. At what point are you giving up or just giving space?
Does any of this even matter though? At the end of the day there will still be people who are only out for themselves and merely only want to get by until their death and there are others who are actually willing to persevere in order to achieve greatness. I just really hope I stay true to my path and do not allow others to misguide me out of affection for my relationship with them.
Its a weird situation, relationships. You have them with your family, friends, and coworkers and sometimes you tell yourself that family is everything and they will be the ones who are always there for you. And then something changes and they turn on you and destroy all trust you ever had with them. You can turn to your friends or coworkers in hopes that you have made the right decision in who your friend/coworker is and hope that they have your best interest in mind, but sometimes they do not because they are not just like you – you just happen to share enough in common that you get along with this human the best out of others you have encountered. And then there is your spouse who falls into this weird dimension of friend and family. You feel a closeness to them unlike anyone else, but they do not always agree with you and you do not always agree with them. They do not always motivate, but rather because of their closeness can actually limit your motivation and desire to achieve greatness.
This is where I am having difficulty. I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good teacher. But I find less motivation in my spouse than in my friends. I want to push him to achieve great things as well, but is it possible that I am hindering him just as much as he is hindering me? And how do we motivate each other? At the end of the day I want to be independent. I want to know that what I achieved my friends and family helped me gain through their support, but that I made it happen. I did what it took to achieve my goals and that is no one else’s bounty. But as a wife I never feel like an independent. I feel as if my decisions must go through my husband. Or when my friends say “would you like to hang out?” that somehow I must immediately inform and ask my husband. I am unsure if this response is due to learned behavior with my spouse or if this is just the person I am? How do I learn to control my negative feelings so they do not disturb my current relationships?
I want to have a career and a family, but I am afraid I do not have what it takes to obtain both. I want the strength to say I do have what it takes. But I am not confident.