Sometimes I feel larger than life. But as of late I feel like I am drowning. I am unsure of how exactly to even talk about it sometimes. I have been having more negative thoughts than usual. My desire to work and excel is low. I know what I want in life I am just lacking motivation to obtain my goals. I do not feel like I am being pushed by anyone anymore and for the first time in my life, I myself am the only force. While simultaneously I feel pressure to support my husband and push him. And although there are times when people ask me about my studies, I have no one I feel comfortable with to really talk about everything I am struggling with. I feel either too advanced or not experienced enough for my peers. I would like to think that these feelings are because I am not currently working but I feel this weirdness about a job. Am I suppose to have one or am I not? Im trying to use the time I have wisely but it is so hard.
I am about half way through the book Quiet and am starting to notice that much of what she talks about are situations I have encountered. I am not convinced I am a team player. I am not certain if I even appreciate people as much as I once thought, or maybe life has just darkened my heart a bit. Im really unsure, but the book speaks to me and scares me at the same time.
I tried something different this morning to connect with my husband and it was not a success. I feel terribly sad now. Im not sure if its me or him. But this is the unhappiest I have been in a very long time and Im not sure what to do about it. I love him immensely but I am finding it difficult to stay close to him. But at the same time I don’t even like myself very much right now so its hard for me to see him as the reason for any of this. I just really don’t feel like I have a support system anymore.
As we get older our lives become more complicated and diverse. We move apart, grow apart, and have difficulty understanding even our closest of friends. When I left Oklahoma I was extremely sad at all the family and friends I was leaving behind. And when I settled in Washington I was able to establish new friends and a new support system. Now that I have returned to Oklahoma I feel I have lost both of those systems.
Anyways.. I suppose writing is pointless because all it does it tell me what I have already told myself in silence. Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought. Maybe I am not a leader, but a follower. Maybe I’m not meant to be successful. I am just so extremely heart broken and I want it to change.