Clear My Head

How can we go through these days and some we know what we are doing and then others we are totally lost? How is it that we can call ourselves adults but we act as children? How can we raise the future when we ourselves do not even know what we are doing as “adults”?

How is it that something that seems so small can be so big? How is that my heart can control my mind, which is the chicken and which the egg? What words? What is this that we call language and why do we communicate when people still do not understand what we are saying? Where are we failing and where are we succeeding? What exactly is success and what exactly is lack thereof?

Maybe I ask too many questions. Maybe I am not asking the right questions. Maybe I am not making the right choices. How do we justify anything and why do we to begin with? What is living and what is being alive?

How do I concentrate when even the silence is deafening? How do you prove yourself when you aren’t even sure what you are trying to prove or to who?

I thought to myself this morning, “maybe I am just stopping to smell the roses” but then I immediately thought how do I justify that to others. And why would I even have to.

Why do I call you my friend when I barely know you. Maybe this is a mood or maybe its just the day. Maybe its hormones or maybe its real. What is real? I feel so far away from myself that even I am having difficulty understanding my own mind and the thoughts running through it.

Regardless of how I feel or how anyone feels we are all forced to put on this face and act like everything is okay. We keep pushing but there isn’t ever anything where you can just go to your boss, professor, or mentor and say my mind is trapping me from thinking, I just cannot work today. How do I say, I am sorry but i believe I have an undocumented case of crazy and just cant quite feel today or think or really even appear normal can I have the day off from pretending for a while?

I suppose life is what you make it, or at least that is what they say. But its hard to make it your own when so many people are telling you how to live and what you have to do to have the life you want.

I am too analytical for my own good. I cannot stop processing information but I also have not found the right way to center myself and benefit from my …

Energy is every where and I suppose I have put enough negative out today that I probably should start focusing on the good but I really just want to curl in a ball and forget about the rest of the world.

Maybe its a good sign and means that my menstrual will start and my mind will return to me soon. Until then I really just hope to keep myself together. Or maybe I just need to admit to my doctor that I, like my sisters, am emotionally unstable and have difficulty dealing with life. But then I just feel  like a loser. But maybe I should just finally try it because I should be well out of the developmental stage where I am having difficulty to functioning. Im not really ready to admit that I am incomplete and need something to stabilize my mood though. Or maybe I will just keep being “crazy”…


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