This Feeling

I hate this sadness. Some days its easier than others, but most days I just feel so alone. I get messages and those are great, but get old fast. And when other people message me, I am not always happy to even talk to them. I feel annoyed by anyones interest in talking to me or trying to cheer me up. If I feel it is not a charity behavior then I am less apprehensible, but in most cases I just want my husband back.

When I finally get the interest to do my school work it is a test of my will to power through just wanting to curl in a ball and cry. I want so badly to finish my degree, but I just want my husband more. I have been exerting energy doing tasks around the home and that helps to make me feel better or at least tire me at night. But when days like today happen, and it rains all day. I feel so hopeless.

I eat out of sadness instead of hunger. I waste time trying to feel something. I think that I hold my feelings in so much because I don’t want to make other people sad and then it just bottles up and makes it unbearable when they are not around. I really would like to have someone to talk to and someone going through the same thing as me, but its just not possible. I wouldn’t be able to get homework completed if I hung out with another spouse.

Whenever I mention my concerns and sadness to other people they just act like its not that big of deal. And you know, I get it maybe he doesn’t have a gun pointed at his head every day so why am I crying, but this feels like a loss. When you start to feel like the person you talk to isn’t even your husband. You know it is, but you just feel like you are listening to a recording on repeat or re-reading a book about the tasks of life.

Maybe I am weak because so many people are able to live by themselves. But then I ask those people, do you have a job where you socialize and talk to people? Because I don’t have that. do you have an animal at home or a roommate to keep you company? Because I don’t have that. I wake up alone. I study alone. I cry alone. I cook alone. I eat alone. I go to school and see other humans 8 hours every week. That would be like working one day every week and thats the only time you got to talk to anyone other than the weekends.

There is such a huge part of me missing and I just want it back. I want to feel motivated and concentrated and involved in my school work. I want to feel close to my husband and know that I have friends and family that know my suffering. I need a weekday support group, and I don’t have that. I want my husband so badly. I hate this feeling.

I do not like this feeling. But I do not know how to improve my motivation and decrease my sadness. I get upset so quickly. My patience is so thin. I feel constantly stressed. My sleep schedule is limited and sporadic but I am still sleeping. So I guess thats a good sign. I wouldn’t label it depression because I know the reason for my sadness. I just really do not know how to stop feeling this way. And I don’t know if I can keep feeling this way for the remainder without seeking treatment. I just don’t want to.

Even worse is that I do not want to show him my emotional state because I do not want him to worry or feel sadness. I do not want him to feel responsible for my sadness. I want him to stay strong. And I want to be strong for him. I don’t like chemicals in my body and he knows that. And I would feel awful if I had to take medicine for this. I just want to be happy. How do I build strength and do this. I don’t know what to do.

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