Development

Some days I look back at my life and I am proud of the things I have accomplished. Other days, like today, I am not so convinced I have made as large strides as I have thought. I have a lot of difficulty expressing myself and understanding who I am as a person, an artist, a wife, a friend, an aunt, etcetera.

I want to be good at whatever I do. I want to look at myself and say, I am successful. Recently though I am starting to wonder if I have survived by the curtail of those who care for me. I am questioning my own strength. Maybe I am just more mature? Maybe I am just starting to realize the importance of what I need to do in order to have the attainment I seek.

Regardless. I feel weak, poor, and behind the curve. I am starting to realize that I have always blamed others for things that were not their fault, or at the least theirs alone. I need to start taking hold of my problems and solving them on my own. I have lacked self control in the past and I do not want that in my future.

My husband has really helped to guide me. He is helping me to be the person I have always strived to be. But I cannot rely on him alone, he has his own dreams and I want to be able to provide him the same opportunities. I feel like I am finally aware of my surroundings and understanding the information given to me.

I have difficulty deciding what is of import and what is a minor detail. I feel like I am suppose to know who I am. That I am old enough to have this information of myself. But sometimes when I look at myself I am still very confused about who I am.

I am not confident in my skills. I am not confident in my beliefs. I am not confident. But people think I am. Maybe some days I am. Or maybe my friends and family just like me so they are nice to me. Either way, I feel more comfortable with who I am now then who I have ever been. But its still isn’t good enough. I want to know who I am as an artist, a teacher, a native, whats my full heritage, is there something about my family that could help shape who I am and why I feel the way I do about things? I think maybe I am searching for purpose.

I have been thinking about religion and spirituality a lot lately. Some days I really need guidance and the god I speak to does not answer, all the while another will respond that I do not expect to answer me. Is this just my mind playing tricks on me? Or is this my lack of confidence getting the best of me? All I know is that I have many unanswered questions, that I wish I were closer to answering. I fear I will be a crazy lady for the remainder of my life, without ever getting as near to solving my questions as I really want.

 

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