How did I get here?

All throughout my life I have bounced between the walls of normal and depressed. Holding on to decisions in life that most would not think twice about. I am constantly reminding myself of the positive words my mother has given me and how she helps me through so much. I am so afraid that I will not learn how to control this life without her there for guidance. I am having so much difficulty figuring everything out even with her still with me. I want to know though that I am stronger than medicine. I want to form a natural life and find other means of happiness than the bottom of a bottle, alcohol or prescription. Because one day I will not have her for support and my children will be looking to me for that same support. I am just so unhappy and the choices I have thought up to create happiness for myself are so rash that I am unsure they are the choices my mother would guide me towards. But I want to make them without her guidance as a means to see if I am ready. I am so unhappy with my job, my body, and the overall way I am living my life. I haven’t volunteered in years, been in an art club or group in even longer. I have not talked, created, read or done much of anything towards education and art in I don’t know how long. The things I love most I am allowing to slip through my fingers as if they are my past alone. I got this job to pay off my student loans and that has not happened. I’ve probably only paid $500 maximum. I’ve been hoarding the art I have made and that which I haven’t I have given away. Most of which was given to people no longer even in my life. So many choices and so many still I cannot stop thinking about. Is this regret? I have always thought I was not the type of person to feel regret, guilt, any sadness towards a decision I had made. I always tell myself my decisions are thought out enough that my final choice is the best and therefore should not be considered for further debate. But here I am debating on whether or not I should be mailing letters of forgiveness and apologies to those I have hurt or treated unfairly. Or whether or not doing so would be too much like tying up lose ends and people consider me suicidal. I am just so confused as to whether or not what I am feeling is normal or depression. Sure, I am weird. But is weird just a means of skating over the fact that someone is dealing with deeper issues that people don’t really want to admit or discuss? Or is weird just that I not only have an overactive imagination but that my brain overthinks everything to the point of hysteria. But even then, isn’t that something that should be discussed so that I would know how to control it and how to lead a “normal” life. And then again is what I am feeling actually normal or is it something more? I don’t want to be a disappointment, a stay at home wife/mother, an unemployed disgrace to society, or anything else unsavory. But I do want to be happy and be able to discover what truly makes me happy so I know how to continue with my life. I just hate feeling this way and falling in to these emotions. I think a big struggle for me right now is knowing that I met Jacob during a time in which my life was in the midst of taking off and really heading towards great things and through our first years of marriage I have fallen and backtracked. It disappoints me for him to see me like this because this sadness is not the woman he married. This under appreciated overworked retail worker is not the future I had for myself. How can I ask him to support me in a decision that seems to keep going backwards when we both want to move forward? All I can think is that my thoughts are still positive even though my body is still screaming sadness. So as long as I am in the process of fixing these things before the sadness takes over I can overcome this relapse, right? In 27 days I will be on vacation. And in that time I hope to have enough soul searching that I can regain myself 100%. I just want to be more. I want to have a legacy. And I want to be an inspiration or at least continue to be something my parents brag about. I want to take care of them as they have for me.


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