Behind the Silence

There is so much that has changed and so much that will over the course of a few years. I have always known these days would come, but never really expected them to arrive the way they have. I always thought there would be more resistance, a bit more fight in me, but somehow all of that which would have been fighting against the change is embracing the future of what these changes will bring. I found out today that my father hurt himself very badly. A part of me was very afraid it would be the man I called dad for so many years but in my heart I knew it was the man who gave me life. And regardless of the distance and differences he and I have shared I broke down into tears and am still crying long after having found out. If he were to leave this world today he would think I do not love him. He would think many things and very few would be accurate to my true feelings. And I would be even more angry than I already am. There is so much that I have not been able to say to him. There is so much that we have not shared. And I still have not been able to bring myself to devote enough time to figure out what exactly I want from him. And so much of what I want maybe he is finally able to give, but what if I do not have the heart to give and that is the problem. I want to know what all he did for me as a child so I can feel better about him in my life. I want to know why he made the choices he did and how he plans on making better choices. I want to know that he has a plan and is adamant about keeping his word. I want to know that if I put my faith in him for the remainder of his life that I will not be sacrificing mine for nothing. I wanted him to be a part of my life for so long, and I tried so hard to try and make him interested in mine and be proud of me so he would want to be a part of my life and do what it took, but I just don’t know that I have that strength to give him again. I have to start thinking of the life I am going to build for myself and the future of the family I hope to build. I am so afraid to start a family without having the state of my current family at peace. I don’t want to raise my children in a broken home, but that extends beyond my husband and I. I do not want my children to be confused about who their grandparents are and have negative feelings towards anyone based on someone else’s feelings, especially my own. When I look at myself I am happy with the woman I see. I am not happy with the lack of career I have, or the student loan debt, or the way in which I have let my education fall from my focus. But I am happy with the way in which I have been able to find myself after having almost lost who I was. Life is very tricky and so many things are keeping me from where I want to be, but mostly I am incapable of telling myself what I want and what I deserve are what I should be spending my time on. I am very good at allowing things to distract me from what is important. I miss my friends and I miss my family, but I am very afraid that if I keep hanging on to the life I had in Oklahoma then I will not grow into the person I hope to be. There is a life I picture for myself that is finally coming into view. I am feeling more confident everyday about knowing who I am and what I want in life. So much of who I am and what I wanted is making itself more apparent. I just have to find a way to work past temptation and focus on what I am really after. Its crazy to think how hurt we all are and how easily we disguise it or bury it within ourselves. Even crazier to think that as a person I have consistently tried to mimic those around me in hopes it would bring me closer to myself, but instead it only took me further from myself. I always felt the need to attribute my interests to something or someone and failed to realize that my interests were my own because i enjoyed doing them. That I felt a sense of self, warmth, and happiness when I did said tasks. Life is so very strange. I normally would only feel this way after having talked to my friends and being reassured that life would work itself out. So although I am sad I have been distant I am happy to see that I can still find my own way. Sometimes that’s all I really need, is to know that I am still making progress in life and not standing still wasting my time.

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