Really poor title because I haven’t been exercising my brain.

I need to have more energy and desire to do something with my time. I have just been going to work, going home, and repeating the process. Nothing but work and worries all the time. I know as an adult life is busy and not what you want it to be but I miss feeling like I was really achieving something with my time. I feel like I am doing nothing but surviving. I mean, a big part of me stopping school was so that I could start paying off my student loans but I haven’t been doing that. I also want to start saving for a car so we can have two vehicles. But I don’t do that either. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to continue to pursue education or art. I feel like I want to keep art as a hobby, but realistically it’s just that I can’t afford to have a ceramics studio. Because that’s all I really want to do. I just want to play with clay all day long. Is that not an easy job or what! Wishful thinking, but that’s what I want. So then I thought maybe I would go back to school for business and at least if I flaked out again or got pregnant and had to stop then I would have a business degree or business courses under my belt and potentially a good chance at having a stay at home Job while I was parenting or preparing for childbirth. I’m not sure, all I know is that I can’t seem to find a good fit for myself in life. I want to mean something. I want to be financially stable and have a career and degree and contribute to my marriage. But I feel like I’m lost in this transition of wanting to pursue a career and deciding that I actually want to be a mom. I’m so ready to just calm down and stop the partying and just focus on a family. I want to get old and boring and be interesting in my own way. But it’s important to me to have a career before I get pregnant to help show my future children how important it is to be successful before starting a family. I want them to have a great life. But how can I teach them that if I am so lazy and not pushing myself to be successful. I always thought I could do this on my own and that I was doing it on my own. But that’s wrong. I need my parents pushing me and telling me to do more. I need a professor telling me I’m being lazy. But I also just wish things weren’t so jumbled and complicated here in Washington. Fucked up landlords. Stupid ass job that doesn’t pay enough but always demands my attention. I need a circle of friends like I have at home. I need a support group. I’m not as strong as I have always thought. My strength has come from my friends and family and for the first time in my life I only have to rely on. I really thought I could handle moving away but I can’t. It’s so hard. I think I need to stop watching tv and start reading. I don’t want to let my friends and family down. I don’t want to let myself down. But most of all I don’t want to fail at the success of my future children. Maybe that’s silly, but my success and Jacobs success is what’s going to give our children the extra support they need to succeed in life. And if we don’t elevate our status in society and start adding some digits to our salary then we will fail at our ultimate dream. I just want our children to be part of the upperclass. I want them to have a good education and see the way that they can live if they are successful. I want a freaking job that pays me $75k a year. Hell I would be okay with $50k. But I definitely do not want to raise our kids with an annual joint salary of $40-60k like our parents did. I need good vibes. I need a new direction. And I need focus in my life.

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