Time is all it takes

As days move along I find myself able to create new memories and become more comfortable in this life. But I would be lying to myself if I said I were not struggling. It is difficult for me to confidently get through each day knowing what a sorry piece of shit I have been to people. I have hurt so many people with my words, my lack of tact, and my immature antics. The person I become while intoxicated is nothing short of a brat. Which is only proven by science to be an accelerated version of my sober self. Which tells me that just by limiting alcohol consumption or ejecting it from my life completely, I will still have this brat inside of me harming those around me. I wish there were a way to apologize to all the people I have hurt but unfortunately I do not, can not, or am completely incapable of actually contacting these people to provide a sincere apology. The thing most unfortunate about my realizing this is that these people will never know how truly sorry I am. And I will always have to live with my actions. I will forever be tormenting myself over the cruel things I have done. To many it may not seem like much, but the feelings I have hurt, the hearts I have broken, and the people I have mislead is completely irresponsible and shitty of me to do. The worst part about my latest shit moment is that my heart split in the mix and it’s now having to mend itself at the most inopportune time. I hate having this feeling of love, hate, regret, and utter destruction for someone. The only thing that has really helped me to get through are the words of friends and family. The one phrase sticking with me is “Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean you belong with them.” I was so completely undeserving of the love I was receiving and the type of commitment and love I wanted was not going to be found in him. But for whatever reason I cannot let go of the fact that something so strong still failed. We both gave so much, but in the end I was the coward. I was the one that gave up. I was the traitor. I was the cheater. I was the ultimate betrayal. And he was still willing to take me, to work it out, to be the type of commitment and love I wanted. But I said no, because Jacob doesn’t have to try to be what I want he just is. I fear I gave up on something beautiful, a great life, a great man. But saying all of it out loud just makes me feel stupid, as if I do not have an absolutely amazing man at my side currently. Jacob loves me the way I want to be loved, he has the same idea for adventures as me and is willing to learn about the world I have come to love. He wants a family as much as me and we want to raise them with the same morals and in the same way. Being a father and a husband is more important to him then his job or what other people think. He is absolutely devoted and he has chosen me to be the single woman he spends the rest of his life with. And I love him so much for that. It just kills me that these feelings still linger. One full year is almost up and eventually another will pass as well. And with each day a new memory forms to fill the void of a lost love. But with each new memory grants me the peace that I am spending my time with an outstanding upstanding man who cherishes me with all his heart, and knowing that keeps me waking up every morning. I do not do enough to show Jacob my love for him, but I do hope he sees it. I am afraid my heart is being blocked by these feelings of shame for how our lives came together, but as time passes I shall become more aware of how to mature passed them. I want to mature passed my childish antics and rude moments. I want to learn to not hold grudges or harbor hate. I want to be able to see the beauty in every moment and not get caught up on the negative little things but rather embrace the positive little things in life. Because I know that if I focus small then eventually my world will expand exponentially. I just need to focus my energy and time will take it’s course.

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