Serotonin Withdrawal

I keep telling myself everything will pass. I keep telling myself to be strong. I keep trying to right my wrongs and move forward in life, but I feel like everything is falling apart. I am a complete emotional wreck. I am laughing one minute and then heavily crying and on the verge of air loss the next. Yesterday was by far the worse. And I keep telling myself I will get better, but it’s only getting worse. I’m feeling a sense of loss like I did in high school and I don’t want to go down that path again. I wish my heart didn’t hurt so much. I want to just cut it out and just have my body sent back to Oklahoma. Some days I drown my sorrows in food and others I go but only eating one small meal. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. I could care less about my appearance or anything really. I just don’t care, and I want to so badly. I can feel my mind fading and I don’t want to lose myself in this transition. I can’t keep putting Jacob through these mood swings and depression. So much to live with and so much to conquer. So many mistakes that I cannot undo. This is not how I saw my life going and it’s not how I want it to continue but I just don’t know how to fix it. I want to be strong and confident for my friends and family. I want to be able to accept all my wrongs, but I just can’t. I keep trying to reason with myself and say that because my cheating was conditional to Jacob it makes it okay, but it’s not. And I hate so much that now I am known and viewed as the girl that cheated on a man who gave her so much and didn’t have the balls to tell him so she moved and married her affair. That’s not the name I want for myself. That’s not what I wanted out of any of this. I wish I would have left so long ago so I didn’t have to feel this way. I wish I would have had the balls to tell him I was cheating after the first incident. I am so angry at myself for so many reasons and I just want to be happy. I am so angry that I couldn’t have been an adult. And I am so upset that I can’t get over it now. I feel so weak, stupid, and worthless. All these words I never want to hear again. And all of this subject I cannot bear to repeat. But it feels so necessary to put down in words. Every time I hit a wall in life I cry so much more than I ever thought possible. I thought as people got older they were suppose to get stronger and be more prepared for life’s hits. But as time moves forward I only feel that much weaker, vulnerable, and incapable of success. I am happy I have been placed at Jacobs side and I wish I could jump out of this comatose state of mind. I just want to be happy. And so much has to be fixed for me to get back to normal. I just want to be myself again. The girl I fell in love with in undergrad. Maybe that’s not the same person other people would like, but that’s who I like best. The independent, strong minded, creative, determined, and motivated Danielle that moved to her own beat and didn’t give a shit about fancy things or what people thought. I wish growing up were easier.

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