Being an Adult

Sometimes I have a lot to say and other days nothing at all. I need to find motivation in something but I just don’t have it. Usually seeing my friends is what gets me up and showering. Knowing Jacob is coming home ensures the house is clean. But nothing is really tempting me to get up and apply for a job or set up my schooling so I don’t have to pay loan interest. You would think the debt in general would motivate me, but it just doesn’t. I really want to feel myself but I just don’t and I’m not sure why. I have thought maybe its because I am trying to live in the past and I can’t embrace the future. But part of me is just so tired of trying and feeling like I’m not getting anywhere. Maybe it’s just my impatience speaking or maybe it’s because I’m just a tired old bitch. I’m not really sure. But I really want to feel young, active, busy, and excited about life in which it is presently happening. I got so accustomed to having a partner who had enough money to make anything happen that having no income of my own and a partner without as much income has really taken a toll on me. I don’t want to lose sight of who I am as a person, but not having that capability is really showing its colors now. And maybe that is all I need to focus on now. I focused on my undergrad as the path to the career I wanted and now I think I need to refocus on that path so that the career can bring me the money I want. Because I also would like for us to have a second car and we can’t afford that until my loans are paid off. I really wish I could get some sign to show me the way, but I just don’t see the motivation even though I know I should. Maybe I just need my mom to come live with me for a few days to whoop my ass and treat me like the pouting child I am right now. But I just don’t want to be an adult right now, at all.

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