So I have been telling myself not to write for a while now, but I cannot hold these thoughts anymore. There is so much I need to let out and I am not sure what any of it means. But I know a few things as of right now, I am upset at myself for:
- Not being independent
- Letting men get in the way of my schooling
- Being lazy
- Allowing others to financially take advantage of me
- Gaining weight and not being more proactive
- Not continuing to make art and be creatively active
I have broken hearts, ruined friendships, and I am continuing to not be the adult and inspiration I want to be for others. I am so extremely upset that I let everything get out of hand.
Sometimes just putting these things down is good for me. I am so lucky to have the life that I do. I am continually wishing I would have done things differently. And I am repeatedly beating myself up for not remaining more independent. I need to ensure that I regain that independence while I am here in Washington. Some days I feel like I will never have the family or life that I expected to have. I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I really want to feel accomplished and I want to start fresh before I consider bringing another life into this world.