Despair

So I have been telling myself not to write for a while now, but I cannot hold these thoughts anymore. There is so much I need to let out and I am not sure what any of it means. But I know a few things as of right now, I am upset at myself for:

  1. Not being independent
  2. Letting men get in the way of my schooling
  3. Being lazy
  4. Allowing others to financially take advantage of me
  5. Gaining weight and not being more proactive
  6. Not continuing to make art and be creatively active

I have broken hearts, ruined friendships, and I am continuing to not be the adult and inspiration I want to be for others. I am so extremely upset that I let everything get out of hand.

Sometimes just putting these things down is good for me. I am so lucky to have the life that I do. I am continually wishing I would have done things differently. And I am repeatedly beating myself up for not remaining more independent. I need to ensure that I regain that independence while I am here in Washington. Some days I feel like I will never have the family or life that I expected to have. I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I really want to feel accomplished and I want to start fresh before I consider bringing another life into this world.

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