Strength

I just want to know that things will get better. I just want to know that I am good enough. I want to actually hear an explanation and a personal account. I don’t just want to hear the same thing I would hear if I talked to a wall. When I speak I like to think what I am saying actually gets stored somewhere positive. And I know some of it must because I see some changes. And I feel the changes. But I just don’t understand why at this age there are still so many things to learn. In many cases I take it personally when what I ask isn’t attempted. For one because if I can’t even help my own relationship then why would a room full of students ever listen to me. If I am not good enough for someone twice my age then what good would I ever do anyone my own age if I failed at this relationship. But then other times I feel like I don’t have anything to lose because I don’t have anything at all, except you – so then if I fail at that what else do I fail at? I feel like I shouldn’t even have feelings. I try so hard to not get upset, not be offended, not take it personally but then I have to keep distance altogether which causes more problems. I just don’t know what to do at all anymore. Cry in front of you or save it to hide in the shower, bed, or closet. Leave and handle my sorrows on my own or stay and tough them out here. Whatever I do it’s always the wrong choice because I look like I’m running away, playing games, or just being moody or sensitive. And it’s so infuriating. I just want understanding, good manners, genuine comfort and concern. I want your attention when I am talking to you. I want you to respect me. I just want things to get better and I want to know how they can. I just want something I do to turn out right, but every time I try and focus on one I’m in trouble for something I let go of. And anytime I try and do everything there is something I left out or didn’t do well enough. I try so hard to talk to you and to help you understand but you always have something else to do. And I understand that sometimes I just repeat myself, but obviously even through my repeats you still don’t understand and if you do, you don’t actually show me you do. You try and give me some quick and sly sentence paraphrasing my last sentence with no real input. You never actually sit down and say “hey babe I can tell you are under a lot of stress and I am proud of you for doing as much as you do.” And “hey I don’t mean to make things worse or seem insensitive I just know we need more money, you your own car, etc” “I want you to succeed and get your dream job”

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