Energy for Life

I want to feel excitement for the day to begin. I want to be happy with where I am and what I am doing with my life. I feel so uncreative and stuck. I want to be something, respected, loved, and I want to feel the inner happiness received from doing something great. I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone anymore, wake up, or even show emotion or concern. I have honestly come to a point of not caring about anything anymore. I just want to sleep and remain in my dreams. I want to be left alone. I want my own space and time. Time where I’m not having to look for a job, do homework, clean house, go to class, go to work, or hang out with friends. I just want to be left alone and have a couple days where I can literally do whatever I want. I miss having my own place and my own time and space. I just want something to call my own, because I don’t feel like this life is mine. I feel like I am only living for other people and have forgotten about how to live for myself. I use to be so creative, happy, passionate, loving, caring, and energetic. Now I am nothing but a self loathing pathetic broke zombie. I have absolutely zero sex drive and don’t even desire the thought anymore. I could care less about being sexy. I could care less if I were fat. I could care less if anyone finds me attractive. I have been spending so much time trying to make other people happy with me and proud of me with the way I spend my time that I have lost myself. I don’t want to be a hermit but I seriously just want to be alone. I just want the pressure everyone is putting on me to stop. I try so much harder than anyone thinks and it irritates me when it’s not appreciated. I just want to be loved for me. I want the people around me to inspire me. I want to feel creativity flow from the positivity of others. I am so sick and tired of having conversations about complaints. Complaints and upsets are fine in moderation but when every word out of someone’s mouth is negative why would I even listen? But yet I have. I have sat idly by while the people closest to me complain with nothing positive to say. I just want someone to say “but hey I am alive” without me having to remind them first. I know I complain as well, but I also have so much more positive things to say. I am always trying to spark intelligent conversation with my friends and loved ones. I want to hear people actually critically think about something with their own given knowledge. I don’t want to listen to people reiterate what they read from an article that they can’t actually remember all of. But instead actually have an intelligent conversation about something they care about and only use information they recall and build off that with preexisting knowledge. People have lost the ability to actually use their brain. They think because they know how to read and they read often, and that they engage in social media that they are now more knowledgeable and have more to say than anyone else. And I’m not talking about a conversation that ends in bias and vulgar language, essentially an aggressive convincing slew of statements but an actual conversation where each person has equal amount of time to talk and express their opinion and knowledge on a topic, but at the end understand and respect the other persons views as well. So many fucking people think they are the best thing in the world, but they forget that in order for them to be anything they need someone else for something. We are a community and humans thrive off each other. So to disrespect someone else is to disrespect yourself. So many people I have met do not understand this thought, but luckily I have more people in my life that do have respect and good manners than those that do not.


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