I find myself learning so much. I am very happy with where I am, but I have also become oddly regretful. I keep thinking about all the times I have spoken out and I was incapable of presenting my ideas in a reasonable fashion. I think about all the times I have allowed my anger to get the best of me and for people to see that emotion. I understand that people are flawed and I want to not hide these emotions, but I hate for people to interpret me as weak, unstable, or anything else negative due to my not so graceful actions. I want the people around me to understand that I am not speaking up to be an arrogant, bitchy, or flamboyant individual. I am speaking up because I feel as though my word is just as important as others opinions and I appreciate discussion in which people share their personal and professional experiences.
There are many things in life that I have always wanted to do, but I am always so concerned about how my actions and how my choices are going to effect me. I want to be respected, liked, and remarked as a “lady” but I just quite frankly don’t really fit into the category for what is expected. I can fake my way through it and be everything people expect, but it kills me inside to do that. If it were up to me I would have two lip piercings, about 6 ear piercings, some crazy ass hair, some artistic original tattoos (none of that flower, fish, star, foreign language randomly placed bs). And so many other things that I don’t even feel like posting because it would make me so uncomfortable to have it posted for the world to see. But basically I just wish I didn’t have to live this stupid conformist lifestyle. I wish the world were more open minded to different lifestyles and choices. I want to be judged by my intelligence and skill in my job, not by my appearance, religion, gender, sexual interest, or clothing. I want to be respected for who I really am and not just the information people receive on the surface.
I always think I am living my life the way I want until I return to this conclusion and realize I am not. I have such wildly insane fantasies of what my life is suppose to entail or what I really want to be. But I just feel like maybe if I succumb to the more dangerous and wild side of my personality then I will lose the lady and respectable side of me. I wish there were some way I could have both in life, but reality the only way I get to enjoy both is when I am at music festivals. And even then I am concerned about because I am acting out my wilder side that someone from my every day life will notice me and I will become embarrassed and worried that they have seen me.
These are all normal thoughts right? I just hate to disappoint the people around me, but so many times in life I am just not happy with this conformist lifestyle.