Questionable

I have had plenty of time to think about the type of work I want to be making. I have had the time for adventures and explorations for new types of work and ways of thinking. I have had the financial and what I would like to consider “silent support” from my significant other for my career endeavors and lifestyle. But the truth is, I have had enough of this time off. I have had enough silence and solitude. And the thing that I have brought away is that it is a comfort that we all need and strive for. It is an emotion, a feeling, a warmth of sorts. But when too abundant it can be bothersome and cause discomfort. This may not sound like much, but in a very brief way I am describing my past few months as the building blocks to my next big break. The time I have been given has at many times seemed absurd and wasted. Other days I have felt overwhelmed and as if I were losing myself and everything I stood for. But at the end of the day, my love and mind for the work has brought me back to where I need to be. Its amazing how this entire time I have always known what I wanted and enjoyed, but never believed it was right for me. But then again, everything has a way of working itself out. And I believe everything has a purpose. I am saying this in the sense that all of the big scale thoughts, ideas, themes, and interests in my art work has portrayed in the past is still very relevant in my thoughts now, but it has most certainly been cleaned up in many ways. I can easily see that I have always believed in the least apparent of things. I have always given strength to the smallest of things. And most of all I have always been weak to conforming or being persuaded by others suggestions, opinions, and choices about what I do, and why I do it. And I am finally able to say that I truly and honestly don’t give a fuck about what others think, because it is my work and I know for a fact that I am not the only person to interpret things the way in which I do. So if someone is bored with me, my thoughts, my opinions, my interests, my work, my style, my anything – I am no longer concerned because it is one less thing I am going to worry about. If people are not interested in making an effort to connect with me on these things I have no problem at all connecting with other people on it. It does scare me, make me sad, and feel that distance will be created with those loved ones but new friendships will be made and I will not be sacrificing my happiness due to the lack of concern of others.

Again, due to my short attention span my journal entry can be difficult to read. But in the same sense everything I do, say, and experience in life is going to always directly effect my work. I am my work, it is my soul, my love, my passion and nothing will ever trump it. I am a selfish artist and I will always be that way. But it is also what will make me a great artist and hopefully a great teacher. People learn so much more when they listen to themselves, their imagination, and respond to their creativity rather than trying to walk the path someone else has laid out for them.

I hope the time I have been given will be used wisely and not be taken for granted. I hope that I will actually grow up and start to be exactly what I know I am. I can say that its easier when I am comfortable in my surroundings, but until I start helping to make that change I don’t feel that I will ever actually be comfortable in my surroundings. And really the easiest change is having a place to work that I wont have to be concerned about keeping clean. Having a room that I can fall asleep with paint on my toes, chalk in my nails, crumbs on my face, and coffee inches away from my sleepy head. Having an easel and paints sitting out at all times, a table to sew on, and a concrete slab to build three dimensional forms on. I am certain that I am in need of a magic workshop, but I will not let reality break my spirit or desires. All is possible in time. And anyone who wants to be a realist, dream stomper, and lecturer on what it takes it life to have all these things can keep their mouth shut! If I want to live in a magical world, then so be it. If you want to live in an uptight smack in the face around every corner and glimpse of hope type of world, I have absolutely no problem at all allowing you to live in it. 🙂

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