Struggle for 2D

I am returning back to my two-dimensional works. Not out of desire, but out of need. I want them to be more developed and I am not happy with them currently. I need to continue to practice my drawing and painting skills so I do not lose the knowledge I have. I am just so much more interested in my three-dimensional works. I am afraid of getting the house dirty no matter what I do, but now that Jay dirtied the entry way I am not too concerned about the rest of the carpet because I know anything I do cannot be nearly as bad. I don’t necessarily have any images I am looking at, designs, or style anymore.. it’s so strange the creativity I have lost by not being able to talk about these things on a regular basis. I have lost so much to myself that just a year ago flourished so strongly. I had so many thoughts and so much desire for works yet made, but now I am struggling to even think about color and application. I am afraid everything will be so busy that nothing will make sense. I know I want something deeper, richer, more meaningful. I want something more me, but I am not even sure that I am myself anymore. The only way that I even know that I am myself is because I have yet to cease these fucking uni-polar depressive traits. For once in life I would just like to be happy with what is going on. But even if I could just have someone to communicate with about art, that wanted to actually talk about it. Not just someone I have to demand their attention or they have to ask me about what I am doing to show me they are interested. But someone genuinely interested. Someone that comes to me to talk about light for a week straight. Someone that starts talking about some amazing rapid ride they went on and how the sound and sight of the crashing water brought a smile to their face, tears to their eyes, and pain to their arms when rowing had ceased. I want to know what it is like to feel accomplished, appreciated, listened to for my passion, and understood for my creative mind. I want my creativity to flourish in me the way it once did. But most of all, I want to be able to share that with my closest friend, my companion. I am so afraid that one day this fire inside me will die and I will be just like all the other old, boring, lacking care art teachers. Anyways, I started a patchwork blanket yesterday, uploaded some work to my website and that made me feel really good. I am still concerned about the work for Tricia I made. I am so upset the glazes didn’t come out right, and that they were received broken in the first place. I mean who in their right mind handles something that heavy with no concern DURING CHRISTMAS! UGH. Anyways, I hope it worked out for her. I hope I get into grad school, and I hope I get my creativity back to its bursting at the seams level. I know how hard I try, and I know I am spending my time doing what I need. But at the end of the day I feel like I’m not trying to make myself happy, I am trying to make other people happy because they are too narrow minded to see the beauty in what I do. Or they are too dense to understand the meaning behind the work so I have to dumb everything down and show those people I am successful and still worth something by having a job they understand or by doing something they see as “tangible.” I will be so happy when I have my own world again. I will be so happy when I have a studio/woman cave of my own. I have been thinking a lot about getting a studio outside of Jays apartment and just staying there. Or just moving to a different state and “starting over.” I just really need something that makes me feel again. When I make something on a three-dimensional surface I feel like my feelings and thoughts are interpreted on that surface. But when I am doing that with a two-dimensional surface I feel like its so much more difficult to demonstrate my feelings and thoughts. I am sure somewhere along the way I will find a new process and I will regain myself. But until then I will just remain a misunderstood, non-working, quiet, emotional, worthless artist as some view me. No big deal, you learn who your true believers and supporters are and you easily forget your connections and attractions to those who don’t care.


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