I am a very open minded individual. I speak freely and don’t really have a filter. I try to be considerate of others peoples feelings, but as I age I am realizing that sometimes it really doesn’t matter with some people. I don’t want to pull myself down to someone else’s level because they are incapable of bringing themselves up to mine, but sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other and fall together. I don’t want that either. I want to know that everything someone has to say, they are saying. And everything I have to say, is being heard. Because everything they are saying, is being heard by me. I know I need to calm my temper, but it is very difficult because in the past when I have limited my temper I was walked all over by multiple men and woman and I was never treated the way I deserved. And now that I am not willing to be pushed around I am still getting shit about it, and it is really fucking irritating. If someone has a problem with me or the way that I am acting or doing something I wish they would just “speak or forever hold your peace.” I mean seriously, is it really that hard? People get in arguments all the time and they make the other person mad, so whats it matter if you speak your true feelings the other person is still going to be mad no matter what. I don’t know why so many people think silence is the answer, it only makes things worse. And this entry isn’t just about the arguments I have in my relationship, but also in the arguments of other people’s relationships and friendships. I wish people would stop biting their fucking tongues and just open and speak! You don’t need a billion friends and you don’t have to bite your tongue to be with someone. If they truly want to be with you and love you, and/or greatly desire to keep the friendship you have with one another – then they will hear you out, learn more about you, and the relationship will actually grow. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed people! And people will not learn unless they are all talking and hearing out each others opinions and ideas. There is a reason we are all different. There is a reason I think differently than my friends and loved ones, it just irritates the hell out of me whenever people think that they are the only person that knows what is going on. People need to stop assuming they know everything and rather start assuming they know nothing, if we all did that then we would learn so much more. They say sometimes the youngest of children can “outsmart” an adult but what people don’t realize is that the adults assume they know everything and the children assume they know nothing, that’s how they out smart us. Because they have not been damaged by society, they always live outside the box and use their common sense more often than their belief in the knowledge they have been taught.
Now then with that said, I am extremely sick of people assuming that because I don’t have a job then I have absolutely nothing to do. So although this is really just a vent besides a few people that read, just because I don’t yet have a job and just because I no longer have classes, doesn’t mean I am not busy or have anything to do. What people don’t seem to realize is that I still have a lot I need and want to do I just don’t make a strict schedule of when I can and have to do those things (like when employed and in school). I make my own schedule and I set my own deadlines. I organize my days to what I feel will create the most activity given my attitude and desires for the day. Some days I do nothing but research jobs, lesson plans, artists, organizations, grants for schools, and certification deadlines. Other days I devote completely to hunting down items desired by friends and loved ones. Some days I devote solely to myself because I have felt terrible and I just go shopping, but even then I am using my time wisely and only shopping for things I need for future events like cruise, festivals, river trip, summer, when employed, help with job search and setting up artist blog, and other things I need when I am at home or on vacation. Then some days when I don’t want to go out, talk to people, or think about empoloyment I begin working on festival outfits and making them by hand – this way I am still staying fresh and exercising my creative mind, I am creating outfits for festivals rather than worrying about buying something, and I can catch up on tv shows and documentaries I wish to view in an extreme multitasking fashion. Yes I understand I am not listening to customers complain all day, I am not teaching young minds, I am not sweating or breaking my back in the heat, but I am doing what I need to be doing and constantly taking care of business, meeting my deadlines, and staying on track for my goal of teaching art. To some people it may appear as if I have tons of time, and to them I would like to say a big FUCK YOU! It is not my fault you chose the job you did, or work the hours you do, or have the personality you do. I am very sorry you think my life is so laid back, because guess what it is. That is the way I like it, the way I am, and the way I have and will always be. I have gotten myself to where I am now and I will make even more of myself. If you are bored with your life and envy mine then change your life and stop assuming I am not a busy person. My busy work goes on inside my head and what I create, think, do, and say are only a small fraction of the things I really think. What goes on inside my head happens so fast I cant do it all so I have to make myself slow down so I can focus on what needs to be done.
So again, you (currently reading this) if you have something you need to say, then say it. But I am not changing who I am. But I am willing to hear you out and alter the way I work and do things. Because again, I cannot improve myself or learn from my mistakes and faults if I do not listen to others interpretations of me.