I love having my own time. I love being able to get things done. I love finishing my projects and being able to do things my own way. But I hate the silence. I hate feeling alone. I hate knowing I am the only one in the apartment. I hate that when I get upset and need comfort I have no where to turn but the bed. I hate the distance between me and the arms in which I belong in. I hate not hearing from you. I hate when you are really busy. I just want to know that I am not alone, but I am reminded how alone I am every day of the week. When I have things to do I am usually quite satisfied with the distance, but I am beginning to realize that even with all these projects that need completed I still long for the sound of another humans voice and encouragement. I don’t need someone to distract me. I don’t need someone that’s going to say random shit that I don’t care about. I need someone that is going to sit in the same room as me and keep me company. I need someone that is going to work with me. I need someone that is going to be interested in what I am doing. I hate the feeling of keeping a list of daily tasks just to prove how busy of a person I am. And not for me, but for other people. I hate that people assume they are the only person in the world with a busy schedule.
My own thoughts and fright of being alone is getting the best of me. I hate this feeling and I am trying so hard to fill my days with positive energy and accomplishments. I am working so hard towards getting better and putting my life together.
I have red hands from dying fabric. I believe every finger has been burned in the last half hour. I cant finish my crop tees because I don’t have a bobbin and I cant remember how to thread the sewing machine. I accidentally cut the head off of the manatee on one shirt, and its vintage so it cant be replaced.. so now I have to try and find some way to fix it. I am so extremely upset and need a release.
The sound of an acoustic guitar and the feeling of touching the keys on the laptop is actually satisfying and helping..
I sold my car today. It will be gone tomorrow afternoon and I am honestly going to miss it. It was my baby. Luckily I will be able to see it when Andrea hangs out, but otherwise it is very strange. Hopefully when I get my Prius C I will feel at home. I am so afraid I will feel like I am driving someone elses car.. Hopefully it wont be that way, but we will see.
I see my Uncle tomorrow after surgery… life moves so fast and I have changed and learned so much about myself in the past five years. I hope people are truly my friend for who I am and not what I am now or will be. Because I am my past, present, and future. And I want to be understood and respected for it all. Not just partial.