Breaking Down (Automatic Writing) *Completed*

Sometimes I wonder what it is I am trying to be. What am I trying to prove? And to who? I mean, I am constantly trying to be better, more well-rounded. I want to be a good person for me. I want to feel important. I want my family, friends, and lover to know who I am and what I do. I want them to understand how difficult it is mostly because the work is tough. Its strenuous. There is so much to learn and there is so much to take in. My mind sees so much beauty and pain in everything. The littlest things will break me down. So much of who I am is invested in what I am doing. And I don’t want any of it taken for granted. It’s so difficult to just bring up my work and my art because it feels so egotistical and arrogant. I don’t know how to talk about what I am doing and thinking on a regular basis. And because I feel and think so much about everything in my every day I don’t know how to even have a conversation with someone else any more. I believe in destiny and I believe in change. I believe in education and knowledge. But I believe in the land and the earth. And I just want to focus on me. I want to be influenced by my immediate surroundings – not something I hear in the media, on a social network, or someone else that is connecting with those outlets. I want to stay oblivious to those bad things unless they are affecting me, my goals, my students, or family. I live inside my head. And when I can’t openly express myself that I start to die on the inside. I think that’s part of why I have been a vegetable lately. I have lost the connection with who I am and what I really want out of life. Without art I am not myself. I need to see fashion, I need to see work by other artists, and I need to hear music about emotion, not just music that evokes movement. I care about the love put into an original work. I am a hopeless romantic and I love to dwell on the little things. I love to pay close attention on these things and really make the most of them. Because in the end these little moments make up the big picture. There is no sense in rushing through life and doing lots of things. I would rather just focus on one thing for a very long time and then when I am finished, move on. I always thought I was so impatient but the reality is I spend a ton of time on something and as soon as I am done I move and don’t look back because I already know I have exhausted all options. I am always sure of what I want in life, but like anything else I like to weigh my options and ensure my decision is the right one to make. I want to know that I am truly happy with it. I am very good with people and a very open person. I am so accepting of others that it is rare people do not like me. But I am not a social butterfly. I am a wallflower for sure. I love being alone and I love doing things my way. I love having jay to go home to, eat dinner with, run errands with, and cuddle with. I love that I have friends and family to talk to and confide in. I don’t know what I would do without Samantha; she is my very best friend. I wish we understood each other’s music and art references better, but at the end of the day we know we have the same passion and mind for life and our careers. Music and art is our life and always will be. I always had my life planned. I would meet a guy, and become the best of friends, fall in love, get engaged, get married, and have kids. There was a time schedule for everything. Stipulations on amount of time for each stage, for children, home, career, and lifestyle. I had everything planned. And I always believed that because I was so sure of the plan and unwilling to stray that I would never fail at it. am I failing or am I just realizing things don’t always happen according to plan, that rather my life plan for a family was a motion and belief set up so I can be where I am now. Everything happens for a reason. I believe in destiny and souls finding their other half. I have never felt so sure of my love and lover. but now that I don’t have to worry about my relationship I am starting to return focus to myself and my dreams. Am I still staying true to myself? I lost my focus and drive. I stopped being independent and confident in who I was. Who I am. My entire outlook on life has changed. My entire undergraduate career I have focused on family, love, and ideals set for women. I thought I had broken from my shell, but evidently not. But now I am unsure of where to go, or what to do in life. I feel like it’s time to reinvent myself. Try a new medium. I think I am going to return to painting, drawing, and work on a two-dimensional plane again.

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