Artist Block

I have been extremely scared this semester. I have been afraid of graduating. I have been afraid of not graduating. I am afraid of whats going to happen after graduation. I am afraid I will not get a job. I am afraid I am not good enough, I am afraid I have wasted time. I am afraid of everything to make it simple. I do not like any of my ideas or work this semester. I had this great idea to make plates and bowls and cups for a complete dinner set, but I am just not interested anymore. And I tried the ceramic paintings and I didn’t like the concept as much after I finished it. I tried reworking my vessels and making them more acceptable by the public so I could sell them, but then I hated them and threw them away. Everything that I make I hate. I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t feel the same connection to the clay that I once felt. Its so ridiculous but it was my drug. The first time I ever touched clay I fell in love. I always wanted to return to it, see what I could make it do, see what I could create. But now, I feel so distant from it. My desires are growing and venturing away from this organic, unique, and handmade craft. I don’t actually know how to take that. I use to have so many ideas, and even now I do, but I just do not have the drive or desire to do anything with these ideas. I don’t even sketch my ideas anymore. I wish I knew what I wanted from ceramics, but I am afraid it does not satisfy me anymore. 

I keep looking at these damn paintings in the house. They are so dull. I want the colors to pop more and have more life to them. I want them to have a bit of design like an M.C. Escher image. The more I look at my work, the less I like it. The more it seems so fundamental and small to me. I want to be able to create something and not only know that it looks sophisticated and elegant, but that it doesn’t look in any way cheap, student like, uneasy, I want the work to be a finished and well thought out idea. 

With that said I will still be going into class tomorrow not knowing what the hell I am going to do for ceramics. I have to do something. Because everything I have done all year, I hate. I am starting to wonder if I should just do color study and technical rendering to ensure that my craftsmanship is up to par. The only downfall to that is that I have a ton of clay. I know I like raku, saggar firing, and pit firing. So maybe I can just make so large planter style vessels and sell those. 

Besides waking up sick and groggy, today was such a difficult day to stay focused. I wanted to work so hard and I wanted to do so much. The harder I tried, the worst my body shut down. I was completely incapable of keeping a single thought together. My mind was so extremely busy and I didn’t know what to do. I tried starting notes and I freaked out. I tried running and after 9 minutes I didn’t even know why I was running, but I was upset that I was even running. So I showered and went to the store. I always forget how nice it is to shop myself. I miss it. I love looking at everything and going where I want, reading what I want, when I want, how I want. I love doing things my way in my own time, its so much more relaxing than always trying to please someone else.

Just the little bit of time I was out of the apartment, I realized so quickly exactly what I needed and wanted to be doing was nothing but focusing on my studies. It didn’t matter that I missed exercises, it didn’t matter if I went over my calories, and it didn’t matter that I needed groceries, wanted to repaint something, or wanted to keep my mind occupied by ceramics. What really matters is that I devote my undivided attention to my Art History courses because they are going to be the deciding factor in whether or not I graduate. I can not and will not be one of the many people roaming the city with barely any money, being a menace to society, and polluting the world with bad music, shitty cars, tacky clothes, and flat out grimy attitudes and lifestyles. These people help keep this world together, but I would rather focus on making myself a career out of directing those young minds to make better use of themselves in society. I don’t want the world to get worse as I age, and I don’t want my children to have to grow up in the same world I did. (And for the record yes I understand I will most likely never give birth to my own children, but I would still like to have at least one or two children adopted or what have you – because lets face it I am a care giver and I was placed on this earth to be a mother and by golly I will be a mother to some child!) 

Either way I seriously had so much blocking my mind and realized that if I didn’t find a way to get out of the mess my mind had created then I would have nothing to show for myself and I would also eventually end up a lost soul among the lower middle class. I have wanted to elevate my status in society since I was a young child and I will not give up on my dreams now because I am too afraid or too worried of failing. I have been causing myself so much anguish and so much stress that I have literally been losing my mind. 

I am still scared. I am still busy and contain a cram packed mind. But I am happy I at least have gotten over the fear of failing. Now just to deal with the fear of life after graduation. Everything takes time, baby steps. I have learned so much about myself in the past year, its absolutely remarkable. 


3 thoughts on “Artist Block

  1. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts” ~ Winston Churchill

    I love you. I am sorry you have been in a funk..i know that when i get that way it always helps me to go back to just the basics.. you are wonderful and you will achieve your goals! you have worked so hard and you deserve nothing but what you wish. let me know if i can help you in anyway!

  2. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts~ Winston Churchill

    I love you! I am sorry you have been in a funk lately but sometimes when i am like that it helps just to get back to the basics of everything. You have worked so hard and you deserve nothing less than your dream(s) come true. you are so wonderful and i know you are going to make it big in this crazy world. lemme know if i can help in anyway

  3. hah sorry i left the same comment twice almost..but when i tried to post the first one it told me it wasnt logging me in and it didnt post…so i had to remember what i said….yeah now im just spamming u haha

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