I have been extremely scared this semester. I have been afraid of graduating. I have been afraid of not graduating. I am afraid of whats going to happen after graduation. I am afraid I will not get a job. I am afraid I am not good enough, I am afraid I have wasted time. I am afraid of everything to make it simple. I do not like any of my ideas or work this semester. I had this great idea to make plates and bowls and cups for a complete dinner set, but I am just not interested anymore. And I tried the ceramic paintings and I didn’t like the concept as much after I finished it. I tried reworking my vessels and making them more acceptable by the public so I could sell them, but then I hated them and threw them away. Everything that I make I hate. I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t feel the same connection to the clay that I once felt. Its so ridiculous but it was my drug. The first time I ever touched clay I fell in love. I always wanted to return to it, see what I could make it do, see what I could create. But now, I feel so distant from it. My desires are growing and venturing away from this organic, unique, and handmade craft. I don’t actually know how to take that. I use to have so many ideas, and even now I do, but I just do not have the drive or desire to do anything with these ideas. I don’t even sketch my ideas anymore. I wish I knew what I wanted from ceramics, but I am afraid it does not satisfy me anymore.
I keep looking at these damn paintings in the house. They are so dull. I want the colors to pop more and have more life to them. I want them to have a bit of design like an M.C. Escher image. The more I look at my work, the less I like it. The more it seems so fundamental and small to me. I want to be able to create something and not only know that it looks sophisticated and elegant, but that it doesn’t look in any way cheap, student like, uneasy, I want the work to be a finished and well thought out idea.
With that said I will still be going into class tomorrow not knowing what the hell I am going to do for ceramics. I have to do something. Because everything I have done all year, I hate. I am starting to wonder if I should just do color study and technical rendering to ensure that my craftsmanship is up to par. The only downfall to that is that I have a ton of clay. I know I like raku, saggar firing, and pit firing. So maybe I can just make so large planter style vessels and sell those.
Besides waking up sick and groggy, today was such a difficult day to stay focused. I wanted to work so hard and I wanted to do so much. The harder I tried, the worst my body shut down. I was completely incapable of keeping a single thought together. My mind was so extremely busy and I didn’t know what to do. I tried starting notes and I freaked out. I tried running and after 9 minutes I didn’t even know why I was running, but I was upset that I was even running. So I showered and went to the store. I always forget how nice it is to shop myself. I miss it. I love looking at everything and going where I want, reading what I want, when I want, how I want. I love doing things my way in my own time, its so much more relaxing than always trying to please someone else.
Just the little bit of time I was out of the apartment, I realized so quickly exactly what I needed and wanted to be doing was nothing but focusing on my studies. It didn’t matter that I missed exercises, it didn’t matter if I went over my calories, and it didn’t matter that I needed groceries, wanted to repaint something, or wanted to keep my mind occupied by ceramics. What really matters is that I devote my undivided attention to my Art History courses because they are going to be the deciding factor in whether or not I graduate. I can not and will not be one of the many people roaming the city with barely any money, being a menace to society, and polluting the world with bad music, shitty cars, tacky clothes, and flat out grimy attitudes and lifestyles. These people help keep this world together, but I would rather focus on making myself a career out of directing those young minds to make better use of themselves in society. I don’t want the world to get worse as I age, and I don’t want my children to have to grow up in the same world I did. (And for the record yes I understand I will most likely never give birth to my own children, but I would still like to have at least one or two children adopted or what have you – because lets face it I am a care giver and I was placed on this earth to be a mother and by golly I will be a mother to some child!)
Either way I seriously had so much blocking my mind and realized that if I didn’t find a way to get out of the mess my mind had created then I would have nothing to show for myself and I would also eventually end up a lost soul among the lower middle class. I have wanted to elevate my status in society since I was a young child and I will not give up on my dreams now because I am too afraid or too worried of failing. I have been causing myself so much anguish and so much stress that I have literally been losing my mind.
I am still scared. I am still busy and contain a cram packed mind. But I am happy I at least have gotten over the fear of failing. Now just to deal with the fear of life after graduation. Everything takes time, baby steps. I have learned so much about myself in the past year, its absolutely remarkable.