For the first 15 years of my life I was raised under RJ’s fathers rules. We were raised to believe that men were Gods gift to earth and women were here to serve them. A man is a strong bread-winner. Men are supposed to be strong, tough, mean, protectors, and do all the manual labor necessary to keep a home and family running. But with that said, a man is allowed to act freely and do as he pleases. Men do not live under the same rules as women. Women are meant to provide men with whatever they are asked and do not wish to do, but needs to be done. There is a large grey area in this belief system. We were taught that of course you can do what I can do as a man, but probably not as well. But if we were to assist then we assisted. Women were therefore required to clean laundry, the house, keep up the garden, take care of the children, cook all the meals, be the mans assistant whenever he called, put the man before yourself no matter what, and above all you must be a stereotypical beauty. Men are rough, and tough, and can be whatever they desire – but women regardless of what they are doing should always maintain a lady like appearance, attitude, be respectful, agree with what the man says regardless of it contradicting their beliefs , and still all the while maintain sex appeal. Women should educate themselves enough to be able to communicate with other men when need be, but they should never be allowed to fulfill their own personal desires in education. A women is allowed an education so that she is capable of better complimenting and assisting her man, not for personal gain. Women are only allowed to further their education if it pertains to a stereotypical feminine career, or if it is a request of the man. I was raised to believe that I had an opinion, and I had my own mind, and that I could do anything I set my mind to. But everything in life is at the mercy of a man. Regardless of what I do in life, I am always indebted to a man. No matter how hard I try to be independent, or strong minded, or honest about anything – I am at the mercy of a man for giving me all those opportunities and for allowing me to have that freedom. You do not speak unless spoken to, you only have an opinion as long as he wants to hear it, your life is not important – only his so you better fucking listen. If I am to appear happy and proper in public, then that is what I do. If I am suppose to agree with you, because you do not care to hear my opinion – then that is what I do. As women we are nothing, but ego builders and assistants for the men in this world. Oh you need to get off, but don’t want to put any effort into my needs – that’s okay, I am a woman and my needs don’t matter. You need an immediate answer, ok I will give you one that I know you want to hear. I should never upset you. Even if upsetting the man means you said something honest that you believed and he didn’t agree with it, that doesn’t matter because you are wrong and need to apologize as the woman, and he is correct because he is man. I could really go on for hours thinking about all the things I should say in this because when it comes down to it, this is more important than the next chapter. These are the beliefs that molded me. These are the things in which I have surrounded my life with. When we moved away from him for the last time and began a new life with a man that believed my mother was Gods gift to earth and he was merely there to make her happy I was royally confused. My father James is the best fucking man in the world. I could never ask for a better father. He allowed me to see that as a woman I am equal to men and that in this world there are no separation in gender but rather morally ethic people and bad. That what separates us in this world is how we treat others, what we do for ourselves, and to always remember that we make our lives what we want them to be. No one has control over us, every single last individual is in control of their own destiny.
The problems I face with this type of upbringing is that the vast majority of my life and adolescent years, I was raised to believe that I was a nothing, no good, woman. And for the past 8 years I have been realizing that James is right. But because of the way other people function in society and because of the men I have come across in my own relationships, I cannot give up on the beliefs I was originally raised on.
If I am talking to my elders or my significant other, I will ALWAYS agree to ease the tension. If I feel an argument arising, then I will go QUIET to prevent it from escalating, a sign of saying I will not argue – I apologize you are right and I should NOT have spoken. Even if I have plans or something I need to do, I will ALWAYS put my significant others needs in front of my own.
Because of these beliefs I feel obligated to clean, cook, have sex whenever my guy wants or needs it, look the way he wants me to, talk the way he wants me to, do everything the way he wants so that I am pleasing him. And that through doing the things to please him I am forced to find small pleasures for myself because as a man he does enough for me to pay for my dinner, give me a home, fix things that need fixing, and give me purpose in life. I know I don’t have to be this way, but I cannot escape it. Its who I am, and I have tried for so long to be more out spoken, to be more honest, to be more of who I want to be. But I have spent so much more of my time being concerned about what men want (because its literally how I was raised) that I have extreme difficulty thinking for myself. I want to learn how to be a better person for myself. I want to learn to love myself. I want to know who I am. I want to understand how to change, and then I would like to change.