Unstable

I am not ever really sure where to start or how to start. I never want to say these things in person for fear of seeing people’s response and expression to my thoughts and life. Whenever I do let people know what goes on inside my head and what all I have been through, it’s because I want them in my life for a long time and I want to trust them. Everything I love and hate in life is based one man. I would like to tell myself I am the woman I have become because of my biological makeup and personality, but honestly I don’t believe it. I believe that all my frights are because of him. All of the ways I love are because of him. Every thing I have in life and every way I will act and react in life, is because of him. This may sound like praise to a god, but this is in fact a confession of deep manipulation and abuse from a man who I once called my father. I know I have strength or I wouldn’t have made it this far in life, but looking at all the ways I make decisions because of his effect on my, I feel weak every single day. I do not share these feelings often, I try to hide who I am, I try to hide behind other worlds and scenes of life. But when it comes down to it, I am still a 7 year old believing that I am a woman and am useless beyond making my future husband happy. I am 8 hiding in my room because its safer than being in his way. I am 9 trying to find the good in what he teaches me. I am 10 afraid to have friends or bring them home for fear he will hurt them. I am 11 pretending my life is normal. I am a 12 year old trying to learn to lie so I can escape him. I am 13 looking at porn so I know what men want. I am 14 admitting to myself that I must make a choice to either be a wife to man like him, or try and use my education to get a job that as a woman I will always be allowed to have. At 15 I am trying to act like I wasn’t molested, watched in the shower, paid to show him my breasts and let him touch me. I begin having cold sweats in the middle of the night. I am afraid to sleep or go anywhere without a man. I am afraid to tell anyone anything. At 16 I tell my mother and she doesn’t want to believe me. But she knows it’s possible. And throughout this entire time I wonder if it’s okay that I like girls. I still think guys are attractive, but I am hesitant and try and learn as much as I can about both genders and everyone alike to begin understanding if my life is actually how everyone lives and how everyone feels. It’s so difficult to even try and compress this life and all these memories. But with all the knowledge I have now, and the desire and possibility of having a stable life, I want these questions answered. I am noticing my interactions with other people and am afraid that because of everything I have gone through I am not responding in an appropriate way. But all I want is understanding. I want to understand why people act the way they do towards me. And I want them to know why I act the way I do towards them. I want closure. I am not a forgive and forget kind of person. I am a investigate and prevent from occurring again kind of person. People should not be okay with being an asshole, being disgusting, being unfaithful, being secretive, being shady essentially in all ways possible and then just forgetting they ever were or thinking that because it’s past, it’s over. No! Everything has a ripple effect and once you negatively effect one person, you negatively effect every other person they come in contact with.

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