Sometimes I wonder where it all went. What exactly happened to me. How do I lose so quickly? And what exactly have I lost, if anything? I am so separated from everything. I am lost inside my own world. This world I create with alternate realities and turns unspoken. These worlds I live in and don’t allow others to notice. Why am I so distant and secretive? What is it I am afraid of? Why do I continually put myself in this situation and how do I keep finding this world? All of my talents and knowledge I do not wish to explicitly speak of. But at the same time I am so angry because I know that I am badass, I know I am rare, I know I am intelligent, and I know the talent and skill I possess. But I am so afraid of failure that I do not always try. And I am so afraid of back stabbers that I do not play all my cards or demonstrate who I really am. Its almost like a very selfish way of getting attention. It sounds quite disgusting actually. But its all done through self preservation. A way to ensure that only my real friends see me for me.
Where has my courage gone? The more I learn about myself, the more introverted I become. I have always tried tried tried and all so I could learn learn learn. Never to just say, “oh I can do this, or I’m hot when I do this, or isn’t this cool -let’s learn this so others can think I am cool,” NO! The knowledge I possess is because I give a fuck about it all. Time is precious and no one person can learn everything. I am not gifted in one particular study, but I am knowledgeable in a variety of areas all interrelated through a form of expression. Everything I wish to explore, learn, and actively participate in – is to understand expression. To understand why people do what they do and like the things they like.
Now I am quiet and cannot think. I am blocked by responsibility. I am blocked by expectations. I am blocked by an engagement.
I desire something that I may not ever be able to offer in return. And I provide things, that others can never return. But how can I learn to understand our differences? How can I see our individual beauties and respect us as people.
The more I look towards this life that I want and this woman I want to be, it makes me wonder what all I will have to give up to get that. I haven’t ever been materialistic or superficial. But all of my fantasies and desires are. I don’t want to destroy the love I have or the dreams I have. I want my dreams to become realities and I want my heart to only grow stronger.
I want us to grow together. I want you to see me for me and everything I am. I want you to understand me. Be able to find me when no one else can. I do not know you that way, and you do not know me this way either. Because no one does. No one knows who I am or what really goes on inside my head or even where to start. I have always thought I could demonstrate this through art and the people who cared would read it and ask. But now I am starting to wonder if I will just always be a professional lonely journal woman.. What a fucked up life this will be. Fuck!