This heart of mine.

I just found this in my drafts folder.. I realized after reading it, how much there is to learn about myself just by reliving these blogs poured out during emotional moments.

I really wish I didn’t think about you. I really wish I didn’t ever fall in love with you. I really wish I could get you out my mind. I wish I could listen to Patsy Cline and not cry my eyes out over the lack of love you lied about giving to me. I really want to punch you in the fucking nuts! I want to make you feel the hurt and depression that I am feeling. I want you to feel the sinking in my stomach every morning when I do not wish to wake. I want you to feel the guilt in my head every time I think of drowning myself in the tub. I really really really wish I could cause you the same pain that you have caused me. Because just as when we were together, I sit here, blaming myself. I think I overreacted. Maybe I wasn’t beautiful enough, maybe I wasn’t smart enough, or maybe it was because I didn’t try enough. Overrall I must have not loved enough, right? It has to be my fault, but if I didn’t do any of those things and love you so, then why do I feel so pathetic? Why am I such a mess over a complete asshole?

I need to get over you. I need to get over you. I need to get over you. I need to get over you. I need to get over you.

I do not miss your kiss. I do not miss your sex. I do not miss your yelling. I do not miss your broke ass. I do not miss paying for your dinner. I do not miss you calling me a cheater. I do not miss you making demands of me. I do not miss your stupid looks. I do not miss you making fun of my art. I do not miss you thinking I am a joke. You are a true asshole! I cannot believe I dealt with all of your shit.

I wish I were not so dependent upon a man. I wish I could be happy and sustainable without a man at my side. I like knowing that I am on someones mind. I lke knowing that someone finds me gorgeous. But I don’t want someone that just wants sex. I am not ready for a relationship, but I do not want a guy that just wants sex or is just going to drop me whenever he finds a prettier girl. I want a fucking gentleman! Is that too much to ask?

~~~

I really like you “Devo”. Like a lot! I don’t know why.. maybe its because you showed interest in me. But what I truely think is because you were so honest with me. You are so intelligent. You are so fucking attractive to me. You are so young though. It fucking sucks so much. I wish you could return the favor. What the fuck is wrong with me? I want someone to hold me, and cuddle with me, appreciate my body, my mind, my art.. I want to be respected as a woman. I want a fucking boyfriend that I can trust and talk to and one who will give me confidence! I hate that I have to get it from a man, but if I am not desired and respected by a man then who the fuck am I going to make a family with? What the fuck am I of any use if no man desires me? And when a man does desire me there is a fucking ex girlfriend waiting around the corner to steal him back. WTF!?! This is my luck.. but you know obviously God has a plan for me because I have never been single so long and I am actually afriad to remain single.

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