Scared.

I have always been a really prepared person. At a very young age I realized that I would need to constantly watch over my shoulder, because chances are, the people around me are going to hurt me. Having a plan for whatever may happen in the worst case scenario would prepare me when they came my way. As I have aged I have devised a plan and mentality of not letting anyone in my heart or head. By not allowing anyone to break me, bring me down, or let alone slow me down, I have been successful in school and work. I have become even more independent than I have been in the past. But now I have realized that before I had control over the situation I let David into my heart. He is a part of me, he is my half, and he is the only man for me. Even through the 3 year break up, dating other people but staying in contact, I have realized that there is no way to escape my feelings for him. And no one could ever even get close to the way he makes me feel, I have tried. But Kynzie was not part of my plan. And every time I see her it makes me sad to know that she is not mine, she is not ours, she is his. And always will be. Sometimes I get angry because I feel he was selfish and inconsiderate when he had her. he did not think of us, if we got back together, which deep in both of our hearts we knew we would. I do not want anything to appear as if I do not love and care about her as if she were my own. But I did not prepare for her, I didn’t have 9 months to warm up to her. I am scared of a 2 yr old because she is actually spontaneous. She is not planned, I am not prepared. I like that I know what to expect out of different people. I like that I know adults are generally not going to always be spontaneous and have extreme mood swings. I like knowledge and communication in an individual and it is very difficult to understand Kynzie when we are not on the same level, obviously. I have discovered that as much as I like kids, I am not good at parenting. That is what really scares me. Not her, not her mood swings, not her learning, she is amazing!! But me, literally me. I have desired to be a housewife with a loving husband and our three children for as long as I can remember. What the hell am I suppose to do if I cannot handle, understand, or enjoy my children? I want to be able to enjoy Kynz without worrying all the time or feeling like I have lost moments with her because I was ill prepared. I just want to enjoy the time I have with her and hope that she enjoys it too! Ooooohhhh… I am growing up so much faster than I anticipated or my plan had accounted for. God is telling me something, but man I wish he would harden me a bit so I could handle it better! Please Lord, give me the strength I need to overcome my daily tortures. I want to be the best I can be, for me, for him, for her, for my family and friends.

School will start next week. I will be going to school Monday – Thursday. I will be working Thursday – Sunday. I will not have a day off until Christmas break, unless I call in “sick”, or class is canceled.

Monday & Wednesday
1:30 – 4:20 Installation
4:30 – 7:20 Ceramic Procedures

Tuesday
9:30 – 12:20 Advanced Ceramics
6:00 – 8:50 American Women’s Studies

Thursday
9:30 – 12:20 Advanced Ceramics
1:30 – 10:30 Work, BPS

Friday – Sunday
30 hrs of work most likely 6-5

So I could work on installations Monday mornings before class, work on ceramics all day Tuesdays, check on ceramics Monday and Wednesdays during procedures, work on W.S. Wednesdays mornings.. and maybe then I would have time on the weekends for catching up and having a social life? Maybe 🙂 huh.. yeah right, but for now it makes me smile.. probably because I am fucked in the head and have to plan everything. But seriously now that there is a plan I am excited and ready to test it out. Lol.

P.S. I need a job in Norman so my life could be easier!!

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One thought on “Scared.

  1. you may be scared but i am not scared for you. nurturing is in your nature. you are strong willed and caring. and thsoe are all the characteristics of a good mom. someday you guys will have some that are “yours” but i know that you will always love kynzie like she is yours and that is a gift greater than anything any child could ever ask for.

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