What is Low?

I finally finished Culture Jam, and loved it! I’m working on Fast Food Nation. I would love to buy In the Absence of the Sacred, by Jerry Mander. But something I have noticed is that regardless of how many books or magazines or websites I read, subscribe to, or engulf myself with I still have a tremendous problem with being motivated to sketch, thinking beyond the pages, and how I would like to interpret this feeling of disgust for the speed in which people are moving. I keep looking at the work I produced and am so disconnected with whats going on. None of the ceramics work translates the way I would like it to. I really enjoy my paintings and can’t wait to see my skill improve, but I have yet to even pull a stretcher out and start working indirectly. The same ideas continue to pop up in my head about professionalism, success, and meaning. And nothing I have done is successful enough for me. Nothing I have made is speaking the way it needs to.

How do I find points of interest in my surroundings?
What am I interested in?
How do I continue to move forward instead of spending breaks doing nothing art related?
What would satisfy me as working, and moving forward?
How do I make my art my work, and not just an expensive hobby?
Why am I not committed completely?
Is this career right for me?

I am very independent, and I like it that way. But I see it causing problems. How do I make a compromise, without compromising myself and my being in the process. I have so much negativity and I can’t help but want to do everything myself and for myself. So why can I not work for me? And why do I allow other people to get in the way of my work?

Am I finding ways to blame other people? Am I covering something up?

Why do I have so many questions and why do they have such dangerous answers?

So I guess, is this a low or a high of emotion? Or is it rather a realization for change?

I want to make a change every year so I can see an actual change in myself, or at least one thing I can compare to keep things a little more simple. I have never had a new years resolution and I decided I would be ready for events and timing, so I’m not late. And to not speed excessively. They go hand in hand very well. I am also wanting to take more photographs for myself. I want to see documentation of my year. I want to know why exactly I always feel like there is not much to live for. Or why I never have any time. I never want to feel like I have wasted my year. I am hoping this will motivate me.

Hopefully this is not low, but rather a high to realize change.


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